electric mist

heart-broken

The 20th was my oldest son's and his girlfriend's three-year anniversary from their first date.

I think they have sort of broken up today, but I don't know the details.

If that's true, I am heart-broken. Luke's girlfriend has been a big part of our lives for three whole years, in every family event, good and bad. She's cute, sweet, fun, and I know they're very very close. I also know what's brought this on (basically, they're still too young to get married, and I think part of it is that he has been somewhat attracted to other people without being honest about that). It just hit me a little while ago that if they do break up, he's got plenty of friends around him that are his friends; she doesn't have hardly any. Not super close ones, anyway, and that's mostly because she's done what a lot of young girlfriends do... she's incorporated his friends into her life, and didn't branch out on her own and make more friends for herself. As someone who was very shy in high school and really didn't start blossoming that self-confidence that we see now until a year or so ago... and with having so much difficult school to do, it was easier for her to use what little time she had to focus on Luke. Since he had so many friends, and since she didn't have all that many, she's now in a position that, if they do break up, she doesn't have anyone close to help her through this, besides her mom. And me.

I love this girl like she was my own daughter. In a lot of ways, I've been her mom, because for all three years, her parents were in another state, and I've been mom whenever she needed someone to hash things out with, someone to go to for advice, etc. And I truly enjoy her company -- she's easy to get along with, lots of fun and has nary a judgmental or mean bone in her body.

The problem is, they've been dating since they were were 19, and now they're at different universities. It's not exactly long distance, but it's impossible to share those day-to-day joys that keep you together when the going gets tough. Also, I suspect other girls are coming on to Luke and he's just not used to that sort of flattery; I think it's making him question himself, as much as anything else.

How on earth can I stand by and watch this? I have to, of course. I can't make him love her. I worry so much -- she was going to be a doctor, but last year, her grades (and his) dropped; they were spending so much time together, both of their GPAs suffered. Which doesn't hurt him nearly as much as it hurts her. So she switched majors into something she thinks she'd like better (and I think, ultimately, the switch is much better suited to her personality), but part of me thinks he may have harmed her in a way that's beyond "repair" -- other than whatever time can do. The idea of her suddenly having no one -- not him, not friends... well, it's killing me.

I know, he's my son. If they're not right for each other -- if there's something missing and he realizes that now instead of a couple of years from now when they were married / engaged / living together...well, now is better. But it sucks. I want to step in and talk to him and make sure he realizes what he's losing. Find out what's going on in his head; find some way of reassuring myself that he's really thought about this. Because I think, given what I sensed when they were here yesterday, that there really is no going back to the way that they were, and the suckage in that notion is heart-breaking. But he's extremely closed-mouthed about what he feels, especially when he's going through something negative. He always has been, which also breaks my heart.

I have no idea what to do. (Well, I know I can do nothing. I just don't know how to handle that, because I would miss her terribly.)

I wish it was back in the day when the biggest problem was a caterpiller sting or a scraped knee -- those things, I could fix. This? I feel helpless. It hurts.

Posted by toni at February 23, 2004 12:10 AM