electric mist

puppy lust

There was this moment the other night which happened, and every time it happens, I am somehow lulled into a wonderful state of denial where I think everything is OK and PEACEFUL and will always stay that way... and that moment involved having actual quiet. No phones, no rush here or there, no crazy-making deadlines, no evil villains hovering over my shoulder, just quiet. And in those moments, I bask and relax and then I say to myself, "Wow. I think it's going to be calm from now on."

Cue: insanity.

Because it never manages to actually be calm, and I'm starting to wonder if I heard about this mythical "calm" in some sort of brainwashing program I must've paid for somewhere along the line, because I can't say that I've actually had calm yet. It is the holy grail, the lotto, and it's always just out of my reach, always won by someone somewhere in Iowa, like they have things to be riled up about in Iowa.

So. Brief moment of quiet, and then my youngest son calls with one of those phone calls that you don't see coming, but makes you realize that this is only the very tip of the not-calm volacano of "Things Your Child Can Do To Make You Nuts."

Jake, (who was out of town with his dad on a construction project), called and said, "Hey Mom! Guess what?"

In the history of language, somewhere there should be a footnote of sentences that should shoot fear into your very soul. They are, in no specific order:

"Here's the red phone, Mr. President."
"Well how are you supposed to pronounce 'nuclear'?"
"I'm afraid there's a tiny bit more damage than we expected when we gave you that estimate."
and
"Hey Mom! Guess what?"

Nothing good ever follows any of those sentences, and I gripped the phone with dread.

"What?" I say, secretly wondering if I have time to get a passport.

"You know how I always wanted a puppy?"

"What always? You already have a dog."

"But I always wanted a puppy. One of my own."

"This is your dog here. She's slept in your room from the time we had her."

"Mom. I've always wanted a real dog. DeeOhGee isn't really a real dog."

"What is she, a duck?"

"She doesn't bark. And she's scared of everything. I want a real dog." (She's a rescue, and the first time she barked was a year after we'd had her, and she scared herself so badly, she ran and hid under my bed.)

"What do you mean 'real'?" (I should have known better than to ask this.)

"A pit bull. And mom! Guess what! They have some pit bull puppies for sale right here -- and they're only $50!" (My blood pressure hit six billion over 23,786, thankyouverymuch.)

"No. No way, we are not getting a puppy. Especially not a puppy that will grow up into something that will eat the cat, possibly the other dog and god knows what else."

"But it's only $50!!! And I'll take care of him! I promise!"

"Exactly when will you do that? You are never home."

"I'll stay home now! Because I'll be taking care of my puppy!"

"Riiiiiggggggggght. And what about college?"

"Oh, I'll only be gone four hours a day! And I'll be home all the rest of the time."

"You have four one-hour classes, a one hour break in between and a half hour drive to and back. That's six hours."

"Yeah, but I'm off Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I'll be home all day then."

"So I'll just tell the brand new puppy that he'll have to wait until you're home on Tuesdays and Thursdays to pee. And he'll have to hold it all weekend while you're hanging with all of your friends. I'm sure that'll work great."

"You just don't want me to have a puppy."

"That's pretty much what the word 'no' meant, last time I checked."

"But it's only $50! And I'll be moving out the next semester, so then I can take him with me to the apartment."

"Fine. When you move out, you can buy a puppy."

"But then I'll be home and do you know what they cost there? $650. And this is the only kind of puppy I've ever wanted. Ever."

"So, save up. Because we're not getting a puppy."

"What if I get him and bring him home and then if you really don't like him, I could sell him to somebody there for $650. And I'll make $600!"

"How much you wanna bet me he doesn't have papers?"

"Papers?"

A few minutes later, I got off the phone and called his dad, who assured me that he would go out to the Wal-Mart, where apparently these adorable-but-cheap puppies were being sold by someone in the parking lot. He assured me that when he got through with them, I would no longer be the bitch that ate all of happiness. When he got back to the hotel, he called me, laughing, saying everything was fine and Jake was cool with not getting the puppy. I asked him how on earth he had performed this miracle, and he related this story.

He said, "I stood out in the parking lot, talking with a lot of other parents who were also being shanghaied by their kids and we started discussing how much work puppies really were. And then I said to Jake, 'You want to know what it's like to have a puppy? I'll tell you. First, you walk into that Wal-Mart and go straight for the little restaurant and get you a 44oz drink and drink it all down in one standing. Then you hunt out the cutest girl to wait on you and you look at her with your adorable eyes and ask her if she'll take you to the hardware section, and when you get there, you ask her to wait for you, while you roam around, clueless, and then you finally pick up a claw hammer. Then you go back out, looking all cute and everything, and ask her to take you to the furniture department, and when you get there, you ask her to wait. Then you walk around and around the furniture, sniffing it, and when she gets distracted by another customer walking by or the phone or some announcement and she has her back turned, you start beating the crap out of the nearest piece of furniture, splintering and shredding it. When she turns around, shocked and horrified, you keeping smacking it a couple of more times until she shouts at you, then you drop the hammer and try to look as innocent as possible, like it couldn't possibly have been you to upset her so much, and when she shouts at you again, that big drink will kick in right about that moment and you just start peeing right there, half on the furniture, half on the floor, and then you look up at her and bat your eyelashes and ask her for a date." That, I told him, is what it's like to have a puppy every day until they get old enough to really start training, and even then, it's still like that until they get the hang of that training, and if you can't be consistent with their training? It's like that for a lot longer. And all of the other parents were laughing and nodding, and even the woman trying to sell the dogs was laughing and nodding and Jake decided that maybe he better wait."

I really love my husband.

(But that calm thing? Ain't ever gonna happen. I demand a refund.)

Posted by toni at August 9, 2004 07:22 PM