I think I have been waiting for this moment for years and years. In fact, I'm sure I have. It is such a simple moment, really -- the start of college for the youngest son. The oldest has one year (or so) left (depending on if a key course is offered next spring or not) and he seems pleased with this last year or so of school, feeling the fever of a bigger world to conquer just beyond, and the youngest one started college yesterday, all possibilities before him.
When you've worked so hard with one son to get past learning obstacles, everything about normal high school feels like a deadline, a lead weight against the soul, something that always feels like it's a measurement cut deep into wounds. But Jake started college yesterday, taking a full load, having gotten extremely lucky and gotten a great schedule. He seemed very positive about it when he came in afterward yesterday, and in addition to the course load being something he felt he could handle, the classes weren't so huge that he felt lost. Critical too (to Jake) was that there were a "lot of pretty girls" going to school there, and he grinned mischieviously when he said, "Mom. I have to start working out again." When you see the oldest son worry and worry over what he's going to do with his life, and worry that he may not live up to his potential, and you see that in spite of his worries, he already is... it's good. You know he'll see it, soon enough.
There's a moment you don't think you're ever going to come to as a parent, and even when you're here, you realize it's fleeting, that it's not marked so permanently that you won't move backwards and fowards a few times over it before it feels "real" -- but it's that moment when you realize that they have a lot of possibility before them and they're basically on the right path and there are no specific external deadlines to make us all crazy. They have time to continue to grow up, and at their own pace, and they have the ability to choose things they want to do and try them out, and they can dress and look and be whatever they want. There aren't any reasons for anyone to be locked into anything yet -- it's a world full of hope and promise. I've been a mom long enough to know it will not last (at least, not yet), that there will be problems and obstacles and despair and triumphs, because really, that is life. It's a feeling as if I've been holding my breath for Luke (for 21 years) and Jake (17) and I can exhale. But I savor this moment, this quiet day when things are very very good for both boys and there is this feeling that they will both be okay, no matter what.
Posted by toni at August 24, 2004 02:23 PM